Tips to help young people build self-esteem

It might sound obvious, but make sure they know how much you love them. Young people often shrug off this kind of chat, but if you keep repeating it, it’ll sink in!

We all have that little voice in our heads that says mean things to us. Sometimes we can dismiss it, but sometimes it’s hard to shut it up, and it can make us feel down on ourselves.

If your  child expresses negative thoughts or opinions about themselves, here are some questions that will help them challenge the harsh inner voice:

• Why do they think that? Did something happen? For example, did someone at school say something unkind to them? If so, you could discuss this together – maybe that person was having a bad day and didn’t mean it. Just because someone said it, it doesn’t make it true. Or maybe there’s no reason for them to think this negative thing about themselves at all.
• Would they say this negative thing to a friend? What would a friend say to them about it? If their friend was struggling with this issue, what would they say to them?

This video on YouTube shows a good technique for letting go of negative thoughts by picturing them floating down a river on a leaf.

It can be so easy to beat yourself up when you make a mistake, but this doesn’t help anything. So if your child makes a mistake or something doesn’t go to plan, make sure they know it’s not the end of the world. Try to help them look for the silver lining. It isn’t making mistakes that matters, it’s how we deal with them – how we try to put things right, forgive ourselves and learn from it.

And don’t forget to praise them, not just for their achievements (although this is important!) but how they cope when things don’t go the way they wanted.

How we feel about ourselves can be affected by lots of different things, including what we eat, how we spend our time and how much sleep we get. So encourage your teen to look after themselves – for example, to make time for hobbies they enjoy, eat a balanced diet, spend time outdoors and get plenty of sleep.

Our pages on supporting your teen’s mental health have tips for how you can help them, and you could also suggest they have a look at this page from Mind which has tips for teens.

Suggest they write down all the good things about themselves in a special notebook, or on slips of paper which they can keep in a box or jar. If someone says something nice about them as a person, get them to write that down too – even if they don’t believe it! You could give them a list of things you love about them to get them started. 

Likewise they could also keep a list of things they’re proud of that they’ve achieved. We’re not just talking about school or sporting achievements here but all sorts of different things – for example, maybe they helped a friend or family member or tried a new activity.

You could suggest they make the list with a friend, so they can write nice things about each other.

All this will help them value themselves as a whole, and if they’re ever feeling a bit down, looking back at their lists will give them a boost.
 

Using their skills to help friends or family or volunteering with a charity or community organisation can really give their confidence and self-esteem a boost. They can find lots of opportunities on the Volunteer Scotland website.

You may not always agree with them, but it’s important to show your child that you value their thoughts and opinions. It’s also good to show that you’re interested in the things that matter to them, so try to find time to chat to them regularly about their opinions, their hobbies or interests, what they’re doing in school or who they’re following online.

One thing you can do to help your teen present themselves more confidently and be more assertive is to practise with them.

Being assertive is something many people find difficult – adults as well as young people. It means being able to stand up for yourself and say what you think or feel without being pushy or disrespectful. If your child is worried about asserting themselves, you could suggest you practise together. For example, if they’re nervous about telling their friends that they don’t want to do something, you could practise the conversation together.

They could also practise being more confident. For example, they could practise standing more confidently, introducing themselves to a new friend, or speaking up in class. After a while, acting confidently may start to come more naturally to them.

Your teen can find more tips on being assertive on the Childline website.

Whether it’s music, dance, drawing, coding, cooking, writing or acting, doing something creative can help young people express their emotions. And discovering something they’re good at will give their self-esteem a big boost. Our page on things for teens to do has lots of suggestions of things they could try.

As much as you can, try not to criticise yourself in front of them, and to face setbacks with a positive attitude. To get started, maybe you could suggest that, in the evening, everyone in the family talks about three things that have gone well that day. And when you talk about the things that didn’t go so well, try and see the up side – what did they learn? What will they do differently next time? Can they see the funny side?