Supporting your child if they're neurodivergent

All neurodivergent children are different, but in some contexts, they may have difficulty with things like:

• stopping to think before they speak or act
• making the right choices
• waiting their turn
• concentrating
• sitting still for long periods of time
• following instructions
• completing tasks
• understanding social cues or ‘reading the room’.

In addition, their senses may work differently, so they may be more sensitive to their environment. Things like bright lights, smells, loud noises, heat, textures or crowds can feel overwhelming to neurodivergent children.

These things can affect actions and responses but it doesn’t mean they’re deliberately being ‘difficult’. Neurodivergent children don’t ‘behave’ differently from other children. Everyone has their own way of responding to situations, and if we’re stressed, or feel we can’t cope with something or too much is being expected of us, it’s hard for anyone to keep calm.

Sometimes it can feel like your child just isn’t doing what you’ve asked, and it’s easy to think of this as ‘not listening’ or ‘not complying’. But often, it’s really a mismatch between what we expect and what your child is currently able to manage.

Neurodivergent children may need more time, support, or different approaches to understand, process or carry out a request, especially when they’re tired, overwhelmed or upset. Things like sitting still, being quiet or going to bed when they’re told may just be too much sometimes. So, what looks like refusal is often your child’s way of showing they’re struggling, not choosing to be difficult.

You may find it helpful to think about your child’s emotional states using the ‘window of tolerance’ idea. We all have a ‘window of tolerance’ – it’s the emotional ‘zone’ where we function best, where we aren’t overwhelmed and can cope with everyday things. 

If your child is within their window, depending on their age and stage they might be able to do things like:

• notice how they feel
• think calmly
• take in information, by listening or understanding pictures or symbols
• use words or actions to show what they need
• recover more easily if something goes wrong.

This is also called feeling ‘regulated’.

If your child moves outside their window – for example, because they’re overwhelmed by a noisy environment, or are feeling tired or unwell – they are more likely to become upset, angry or panicked and have a meltdown, or to become flat, depressed and shutdown. This is also called feeling ‘dysregulated’. This means it’s much harder for them to listen to you, control their emotions and explain how they’re feeling.

This download from Education Scotland explains more about the window of tolerance.

Learning to consciously regulate how we feel is hard! It takes us a long time to learn how to do it, and we still move out of our ‘windows’ every so often. This is why it’s so important to help children regulate how they feel, until they’ve learnt to do it themselves. The tips below may help with this.

Many autistic people use repetitive behaviours to help relax, keep calm or express emotion. This is known as ‘stimming’ or ‘self-stimulatory behaviour’. Different people have different ‘stims’, but these can be things like hand flapping, rocking back and forth, humming or repeating the same phrase over and over, watching spinning toys, touching certain fabrics or anything else that helps them manage their emotions. 

If your child is autistic they’ll develop their own stims, and you’ll learn to spot when they’re stimming to relax and when they may be stimming because they’re anxious or overwhelmed and may need your support. 

Children with ADHD may also stim to help them concentrate. For example, they may hum, tap their feet or fidget with a toy.

Stimming is helpful, so you shouldn’t try to stop your child doing it unless they’re  doing something to hurt themselves, like pulling their hair or banging their head. In this case, you can help them replace the harmful behaviour with something that doesn’t hurt them – it’s best to speak to the team supporting your child or your GP if you’re worried about this.

You can find out more about stimming on the National Autism Society website.

‘Masking’ is when neurodivergent people change the way they behave in order to fit in with neurotypical people. Some people make a really conscious effort to mask but some may not even realise they’re doing it. Either way, it takes a lot of effort and can be really exhausting. 

Children can start masking when they’re very young. For example, they might copy other children, hide their stims or interests or pretend not to be anxious about something until they’re at home.

Some neurodivergent people find masking helps them cope with situations that make them anxious. But too much masking can make people tired, anxious and burnt out. This is why some children seem fine when they’re in school and then collapse into tears and meltdowns when they get home, or shut down completely – the effort of masking has used up all their energy. You can download a useful leaflet on masking at school from the Enquire website.

Make sure your child knows that it’s okay to be themselves and that you love them just the way they are. For example:

• Don’t try and stop them from stimming.
• Encourage them to spend time doing the things they love.
• Try to create an environment in your home that meets their sensory needs, for example by making a safe space or den for them to retreat to.
• Talk to them about masking, and let them know that they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to. They may not even realise they are doing it, so you could look at this page on the YoungMinds website together, which explains what masking is in simple language.

You can find out more about masking on the Kids and National Autistic Society websites.

You may have heard about ‘demand avoidance’. In the past this was called ‘pathological demand avoidance’ (PDA) or ‘persistent desire/drive for autonomy’, but this language is now out of date. 

What does 'demand avoidance' look like?

On the surface, demand avoidance looks like a strong resistance to doing something that’s asked or expected of you. This can be everyday things like brushing teeth, getting dressed or eating breakfast. But it can also be things your child enjoys doing, like eating a favourite meal or going to see a film. It can also be demands from their own body, like feeling hungry or needing the loo. This is different to your child just not wanting to do something because, for example, they’re tired, or enjoying something they don’t want to stop, like playing a video game.

If your child repeatedly avoids doing what you ask them, here are some things that may lie underneath:

• There are too many demands on them in their day to day life, so that one small demand, like brushing their teeth or putting their shoes on, might make them feel so overwhelmed, anxious and stressed that they can’t cope.
• Their day to day life isn’t predictable enough, or doesn’t suit them.
• You’re asking too much of them at their developmental level and it’s too hard.
• They may not trust that what they expect to happen will happen.
• They may not feel confident that they’ll be given enough time to start and do the thing being asked.
• The thing you’re expecting them to do is unpleasant because of sensory issues (for example, they may find the feeling of brushing their teeth unbearable).
• They find all the steps in a task hard to plan and do, so don’t get started at all.
• They may feel that they always get things wrong, so don’t want to experience this again.

Your child may refuse to do things, try and distract you, make up a fantastical excuse (like “I can’t get dressed because my arms don’t work”) or become so anxious they have a meltdown.

What can I do?

This can make day to day life difficult because the usual parenting advice (like setting boundaries and being consistent) doesn’t work. However, parents with experience raising children who can avoid demands have some tips that may help. These include: 

• Removing as much uncertainty from the day as you can, for example, by always explaining what’s going to happen and preparing them for any changes, in a way they can understand, using visual supports if your child prefers.
• Helping them feel in control, for example, by offering them choices.
• Understanding how they like to communicate and how they experience sensations, so you can make their day to day life more comfortable and enjoyable.
• Asking them to do things indirectly rather than telling them what to do. For example, instead of saying “You need to brush your teeth” or “Put your shoes on” you could say “Why don’t we play your favourite song while you brush your teeth?” or “Which shoes would you like to wear, boots or trainers?”
• Using ‘now next’ boards, a visual timetable or choice boards. Sometimes if you say it they won’t do it but if the timetable says it they do it.
• Using humour and turning things into a game, like having a race up the stairs to bed or pretending to be a dinosaur eating vegetables.
• Picking your battles, like letting them have a meal sitting on the sofa instead of at the table if it means they eat something.
• Being flexible – what works one day may not work the next.

This is sometimes called ‘low demand parenting’. 

You can find lots more information, advice and support on the National Autistic Society website.

• Scottish Autism provide information, advice, and a range of support services across Scotland for autistic individuals and their families.
• The National Autistic Society has lots of information to support autistic people and their families.
• The National Autistic Implementation Team offer a helpful guide to using visual supports such as objects, symbols, photos and songs to communicate with your child.
• There may be a local ADHD support group in your area – you can search for a group near you on the Scottish ADHD Coalition.
• Contact, the charity for families with disabled children, has helpful advice on behaviour. They also have a helpline and run workshops and events for parents.
• The Australian Government’s Raising Children website has advice for parents of autistic children and children with ADHD.
• You may find this TED Talk about autism interesting and helpful.
• Our page on children and neurodiversity has more links to organisations supporting children and families.
• To talk to someone about any aspect of parenting, you can call Children First’s helpline.