Friendships and socialising if your child is neurodivergent

As your child grows up, you’ll probably notice they develop an interest in some things over other things (like dinosaurs over trains or playing games over watching videos). And you may also notice that they have preferred ways of communicating too. Maybe they like talking to people without having to look at them, or prefer using signs and pictures to talking. 

Working out what they like and how they feel comfortable will make it easier for them to find children to make friends with who share their interests and communication preferences.

‘Inside thoughts’ are the thoughts we have in our heads but don’t say out loud. ‘Outside thoughts’ are the thoughts we express out loud. Children sometimes have difficulty working out that some thoughts should stay inside their head! They may also not realise that other people have ‘inside thoughts’ too and assume that they always say exactly what they think.

Talking about the difference between inside and outside thoughts can be really helpful for children. It can help them feel more confident in working out what to say in different situations – they don’t have to say what’s in their head if they don’t want to, they can choose to say something else.

It can also be reassuring to know that everyone has inside thoughts that aren’t always nice – it doesn’t make them a bad person.

Your child may find it easier to make friends if they’re doing an activity that interests them, because they’ll have something in common. So try and find a club, sport or other activity they like, or encourage them to join a school club – or even start their own!

Your child may prefer spending time with one or two children rather than a big group. You could suggest they ask a friend from a club or activity round to play, or someone from school. You may find they get on better with children who are older or younger than them as well.

Start small, maybe with just half an hour. And try to make it a time when your child won’t be too tired or overwhelmed – so maybe the weekend rather than after school. 

It’s also a good idea to plan something the kids can do together, like playing a game or making something. This takes the pressure off the children agreeing on what to do and it gives them something to talk about. 

Some attractions offer events specifically tailored for neurodivergent children. For example, some museums offer ‘quiet hours’, with softer lighting and no loud noises. Trying something like this could be a good way for your child to meet other neurodivergent children who share their interests in dinosaurs/Vikings/rocks – and for you to meet other parents with neurodivergent children.

If your child is going into a new situation, like going on a play date or going to a new place or trying a new activity, it can really help them if they know exactly what to expect. Prepare them as much as you can about where they’ll be going and what it’s like, how long they’ll be there for and what they’ll do.  Do they need to wear particular clothes? Will they be given anything to eat? Where is the toilet? Will there be any familiar faces there? Make sure they know it will end and what will happen then, and that they can leave.

Some children take this in by talking and others need to see or experience the new situation. You could use pictures to help them prepare. If they're going to a new place, you could look it up online and show your child what it looks like. The My Neurodiversity website has some social stories you could adapt to meet your child’s needs, so they show exactly what will happen at this particular event. Some venues and attractions may have their own stories you can download and use.

If your child seems anxious about socialising or making friends, it may help to get to the bottom of what they’re worrying about rather than just dismissing it. For example, they may be worried about saying the wrong thing, or not fitting in. Or they may worry about having to go to a new place. They may not be able to explain what the worry is but we still need to listen and believe this worry is real. 

If you can work out what’s bothering them, you may be able to make the situation better. For example, you could make sure there’ll be someone they know there, or you could check whether the lights and noise can be turned down. And you could let them know that if a situation gets too much for them, they can always leave. 

The first few times your child tries something new with friends (like going to softplay or a party at someone’s house) you may want to keep the time short and take them home before it gets too much. 

You may need to stay at first, but if you know your child can call you, or can ask a friend’s parent to call you, so that you can come and get them, these are also options.

Playing with other kids can be exhausting, so make sure your child has plenty of time and space to rest after spending time with other people.

Your child may be happier spending time alone or with their family, so don’t try to force them to socialise if it makes them anxious or unhappy and you can’t work out a solution together. They’ll find their people eventually – there’s no rush.