Meltdowns and shutdowns

If a child (or adult) feels completely overwhelmed by a situation, they may have a meltdown or shutdown. Anyone can have a meltdown or shutdown, but it’s more likely to happen later and longer if your child is neurodivergent. This isn’t because they’re being ‘difficult’ but because society is often designed for neurotypical people. Here we look at the differences between tantrums and meltdowns, what you can do to help prevent or prepare for meltdowns and shutdown and how to cope if they happen.

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What is a meltdown?

A meltdown is an intense reaction to an overwhelming experience. It can happen if a child (or adult) can’t cope with their environment because their senses are overloaded, for example, because things are too bright, noisy, enclosed or smelly. Or it can happen if they’re being asked to do something that overloads them emotionally, by causing them too much stress or distress.

When someone’s having a meltdown they have no control over their actions. They may scream, cry, lash out, break things or try to run away. They may even hurt themselves – or you.

Any child (or adult) can experience a meltdown. However, meltdowns can happen more often to autistic people because their senses can get overwhelmed more quickly.

Sometimes in these situations, autistic people may try to block everything out and refuse to respond to you – this is known as a ‘shutdown’.

You can find out more about meltdowns and shutdowns on the NHS Inform website.

What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?

Meltdowns are not the same as tantrums – although they may sometimes look similar. Often tantrums come from anger or frustration, rather than from feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Usually when your child has a tantrum it’s because you’re stopping them from doing or having something they want. They may be testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. They may also be feeling tired, hungry or over-excited.

What is a shutdown?

A shutdown is when someone feels so overwhelmed that they try to block everything out. They may not respond to anything or anyone around them. They may seem detached or exhausted, or as if they don’t care about anything.

Shutdowns aren’t as easy to spot as meltdowns, but can be just as exhausting and upsetting for the person experiencing them.

You can find out more about shutdowns on the Reframing Autism website.

Is there anything I can do to help prevent meltdowns and shutdowns?

It’s unlikely you’ll be able to prevent meltdowns and shutdowns altogether, but it can help if you’re prepared for situations that you know or suspect may upset your child. It’s not about trying to hide the feelings that can lead to a meltdown or shutdown, it’s about learning to cope with them so they don’t become overwhelming.

You may find it helpful to think about your child’s emotional states using the ‘window of tolerance’ idea. We all have a ‘window of tolerance’ – it’s the emotional ‘zone’ where we function best, where we aren’t overwhelmed and can cope with everyday things. If your child moves outside their window – for example, because they’re overwhelmed by a noisy environment, or are feeling tired or unwell – they are more likely to become upset, angry or panicked and have a meltdown, or to become flat, depressed and shutdown. By helping your child stay within their window of tolerance and even make it bigger, you can help prevent meltdowns and shutdown.

This download from Education Scotland explains more about the window of tolerance.

Tips to help prevent meltdowns and shutdowns

Tip #1: Let them know what to expect

If you need to do something you think will affect them (like going to a noisy train station or shopping centre) it’s a good idea to prepare them in advance for what will happen. You could try using pictures of the place you’ll be going to show them what to expect. This will help you both prepare. Some places offer ‘social stories’ to download – these are visual supports you can use to help your child prepare for their visit. Remember to include that after the trip, outing or event they will come home.

The National Autistic Implementation Team offer a helpful guide to using visual supports such as objects, symbols, photos and songs to communicate with your child. You can also download social stories to help prepare them in advance for certain situations from My Neurodiversity, including going to the doctor and coping with change.

This webinar about North Lanarkshire’s Communication Friendly resources has lots of helpful information about how visuals can be used to support learning, communication and to ease anxiety.

Tip #2: Stick to a routine

If possible, try to stick to a similar routine each day, so your child always knows what’s happening next. If they have focused interests, try to build in time for these every day.

If you need to make a change to your routine, make sure your child knows in advance, let them know what to expect and reassure them. They may need extra time alone or in a quite space to process the change. Our page on supporting neurodivergent children has more tips for routines.

TIp #3: Pack things to keep them calm and distracted

When you’re heading out, make sure you pack things that may help them keep calm, like a favourite toy or a fidget spinner, a sensory blanket or headphones.

Tip #4: Give them a job

You could try giving your child a job or task to do, like a shopping list of things to find in the supermarket or asking them to look for red cars when you’re out and about. Having something to focus on may help them keep calm and make outings meaningful.

Tip #5: Encourage them to tell you if they start to feel overwhelmed

Let them know that it’s always okay to tell you if they start to feel overwhelmed, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Or you could work out a sign they could give you.

Tip #6: Look for warning signs

Don’t rely on your child telling you they’re feeling overwhelmed – they may not know it’s coming or be able to talk and tell anyone. So try to be alert to situations that may trigger overwhelm, or signs they may give out. You may notice they do certain things when a meltdown is on the way. For example, they may put their hands over their ears, rock backwards and forwards or try to run away. If you spot the signs, try and find a quiet, safe space they can go to calm down.

Tip #7: Make an escape plan

Work out in advance where you can go if your child starts to feel overwhelmed. For example, if you’re visiting a new place you could see if there is a quiet park or garden nearby – our page on play parks and family activities can help you find outdoor spaces near you.

If you’re going to a shopping centre or a visitor attraction like a museum or zoo, you could check the accessibility section of their website to see if they provide any facilities for autistic people – many do.

Tip #8: Help them develop coping strategies

As your child grows up, you can help them recognise the signs that a meltdown may be on the way themselves. For example, do they feel hot? Does their heart beat faster or their breathing speed up? You can then help them work out ways of coping with meltdowns and shutdowns. This could involve:

doing some physical exercise or stimming
putting on headphones and listening to music or a podcast
taking a break and moving away from the situation that is upsetting them
changing their routine to avoid situations that are particularly difficult (like arriving at and leaving school early or late to avoid the busy rush)
finding safer ways to express their overwhelm – for example, screaming into a pillow or hitting a cushion rather than hurting themselves or breaking things around them.

Our pages on helping children deal with worries and helping neurodivergent teens with anxiety has lots more tips for supporting older children.

Tip #9: Encourage them to get help if they’re feeling overwhelmed

You can also talk to your child about what they can do if they start feeling overwhelmed and you’re not with them. For example, if they’re at school or at a friend’s house. Let them know that they can always talk to a teacher or a friend’s mum or dad.

You and your child could also make a card that they can show to people if they feel overwhelmed by the situation.

You can download an ‘I am autistic’ card from the National Autistic Society website here.
You could also consider getting your child a Sunflower hidden disabilities card, which is recognised by lots of shops, transport organisations, visitor attractions and other organisations.

Tip #10: Help other adults who look after them spot the signs

Your child may not be able to tell anyone they’re feeling overwhelmed, so it’s a good idea to prepare any adults who are looking after for them, by:

letting them know any signs to look out for
making sure they have things to hand to help distract or calm your child, like headphones, fidget toys, blankets or soothing music or videos.

Little boy sitting in a cardboard box den with corgi dog on his lap and a cat in the background.

Tips if your child’s having a meltdown or shutdown

Tip #1: Keep calm

Not always easy we know, especially if they’re having a meltdown in a public place. But if you can keep calm, this will help your child calm down too. Stop talking and let others know they should also stop talking.

Tip #2: Safety first

Ask for help to make sure they and anyone around them are safe. This might mean asking people to move back or away, and asking people to remove objects that are breakable, throwable or could cause harm. Once your child is safe, stand back and give them space.

Tip #3: Help them cool down

If your child’s feeling overwhelmed, they may well also feel too hot. So helping them to cool down by taking off their jumper, getting some fresh air or offering them a cold drink or ice lolly can help calm them down. You need to judge whether interfering with their clothes and being in their personal space will make things worse. Take your time with any approaches you make.

Tip #4: Encourage them to breathe in and out slowly

If this is something they are familiar with and you know it helps them, you could support them to take slow, deep breaths to help them calm down. Try doing this together, so they copy you. If talking and engaging is too alerting, do not do this.

There are lots of breathing exercises you can try with them – have a look at this article from the British Heart Foundation for some techniques you can practise together during calm moments.

Tip #5: Remind them of their coping strategies

If you know there’s something that helps your child (like putting on headphones, or punching a cushion) try offering them the headphones or cushion without words, as talking can make things worse.

Tip #6: Give them time and space to recover afterwards

Your child may feel exhausted after a meltdown or shutdown. Older children may feel embarrassed. So give them plenty of time and space to recover. For example, you could let them have a lie down in a quiet room, listen to music or read a book.

Once they’re feeling better, reassure them that it’s okay to have a meltdown or shutdown, it’s just their body’s way of dealing with being overwhelmed. Let them know you love them and that you’re there for them if they need anything.

Tip #7: Learn from past experiences

Don’t feel guilty if your child has a meltdown or shutdown – it isn’t your fault, or your child’s fault. Try to avoid any ‘post match analysis’ with your child, as they can’t help what they do when they lose control.

Instead, try and work out what may have made your child feel overwhelmed and what helped them calm down. The maybe next time you cope better, or even avoid a meltdown or shutdown altogether.

Dealing with other people's reactions

If your child’s screaming in the supermarket or having a meltdown on the bus, feeling that everyone’s judging you can make everything that bit worse.

Try not to let it get to you. Just take a few deep breaths, focus on your child and ignore the people around you. By putting the safety and comfort of your child first, you’re being the best parent you can possibly be.

Looking after you

Meltdowns and shutdowns can be exhausting for parents as well as children, so try to take some time for yourself as well to calm down and relax. We have some wellbeing tips that can help. If you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, or about any aspect of parenting, you can call Children First’s helpline.

Further information and support

You can find lots of advice on the National Autistic Society’s website on identifying the causes of meltdowns and minimising things that may upset them.
Scottish Autism provide information, advice, and a range of support services across Scotland for autistic individuals and their families.
You can find more support organisations listed on our page on children and neurodiversity.