What to do when your toddler has a tantrum

There are certain practical things you can do to avoid trouble. For example, you can’t expect a toddler to know that the ornament you left within arm’s reach isn’t a toy to bang on the floor. Or that the lovely toy you’ve just bought is for their cousin, not for them. Try to think ahead to avoid these kind of incidents, and put things you don’t want them to touch out of temptation’s way.

Spotting the early warning signs of a tantrum is the key to stopping it spiralling out of control. It's easy to feel helpless when your child has a tantrum, but you might start to notice the same things are causing them every time. Maybe they’re too hot or too cold, they’re hungry, or just really tired. If you can work out what caused it, then maybe you can avoid these triggers in the future, for example, by dressing them in layers, carrying healthy snacks with you when you’re out and about and letting them have a longer nap.

You may also notice that certain situations tend to cause an outburst, like supermarket checkouts and crowded buses. So while you can’t swerve these situations altogether, try to avoid combining them with other triggers, like tiredness or hunger.

Sometimes simple things like pointing out what you can see on the bus or in the shops could help lead to fewer tantrums. It helps keep them entertained – and they love getting your attention.

It may help avoid tantrums if you let your child know in advance what will be happening. For example, if you’re walking past the playpark but don’t have time to play on the swings, let your child know this before you get there, so they don’t get excited about the thought of playing and are then disappointed.

If they’re about to throw a strop, giving them a choice can help stop tension building. You could allow them to make certain decisions, such as whether to wear the red top or the blue one, or whether to brush their teeth before or after their bath. If they make choices from options you give them they feel they have some input, without you losing your authority.

Sometimes they just want some of your attention. They could be jealous if you’re on your phone, or talking to your friends or another child. If you notice this is happening, lift them onto your knee for cuddles.

It’s really hard when we see our kids getting upset, but take a deep breath and remember you are in control. As long as they’re safe, it’s okay to need a minute to calm yourself down before you try to calm them down.

Our page on coping with being a parent has more tips on keeping your dool and dealing with difficult behaviour in a calm, helpful way.

Another popular tip is just not to give any attention to your child when they’re losing their temper. Getting cross or shouting back won't help. As long as they’re safe you can always try to look away and wait for them to calm down themselves. Or you could try chatting to them in a calm voice until they settle – this means they are getting the attention they want but you aren’t giving in to their demands to get chocolate at the checkout/not eat their broccoli/wear shorts when it’s snowing or whatever else they’re after.

Try to keep as calm as you can and help them work out what’s wrong. Sometimes the behaviour is your child’s way of telling you that they feel frustrated or lonely or need some peace and quiet. They might be tired or hungry. Or feeling frustrated or jealous. Talking to them will help you discover the cause and what you need to do to get everything back to normal.

If you’ve been practising colouring in your emotions (with red for angry, blue for sad, green for jealousy and so on) now is a good time to ask ‘are you feeling red/blue/green?’ to help them express how they feel.

Remember those teachers who always got the class to quiet down because they stayed calm when everyone was getting rowdy? This trick is just like that. If you whisper, they often quieten down to match you.

Sometimes your child may have a tantrum over something that seems completely ridiculous to you, but to them it’s really important – like having a sandwich cut into squares instead of triangles. Chances are if they’re all worked up and upset they won’t listen to logic. So rather than attempting to reason with them, try being understanding instead: ‘I know you like triangles, but squares are fun too – why don’t you try a tiny little bite and see if you like it?’ And, ‘What fun things can we think of that are square?’

When they're screwing their faces up, try to mirror their expressions but in an understanding way, following it up with a smile. Saying ‘I know how you feel’, or ‘I hear what you're saying’ when they're having a moan helps them feel understood a bit better.

Seeing tantrums, toilet training, sleep and mealtimes as problems can make them seem impossible to solve. But by focusing on finding answers you can feel confident and more in control. The same goes for your child. So helping them to put things right if they’ve misbehaved will help them feel more in control too. For instance, if they’ve thrown things on the floor you could suggest they help you clear up, or if they’ve been mean to a sibling or friend you could ask them to apologise.

Once the annoying behaviour or temper tantrum is over, try to find something positive to notice about what your child is doing and praise them for it. Positive reinforcement is really important in dealing with their behaviour.

Sometimes it can be so tempting just to give in and let them have what they want so they’ll stop screaming. But if they learn that throwing a tantrum will get them what they want, they’ll never stop! Instead, try to keep calm and soothe them with soft words and cuddles until it blows over.