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Coping with bereavement

Bereavement is always hard, and if you’ve lost a loved one recently our hearts go out to you. If you’re in this situation, it's important to be there for your children and to be kind to yourself. Here are some tips that may help.

Talk to each other

It’s a natural reaction to want to hide your wee ones away from sadness and bad news, but talk to them and make sure they know you’re there for them.

It’s better they hear bad news from the person they trust the most, you, than from overhearing a phone conversation. This is just as true if a loved one is seriously ill or in hospital at the moment. Being clear with your children gives you the chance to listen to their worries and reassure them. They might understand what is happening better than you think.

Advice for giving them bad news

If the worst has happened and you and your children have lost someone, telling your kids may feel like the most difficult thing in the world. It’s okay to feel this way, it is one of the hardest things to do as a parent/carer. Remember you are grieving too. As hard as it feels to tell them, talking honestly about what’s happening can help your child understand the situation and learn to deal with their feelings. 

Here are things you can do to make the process a little easier. This leaflet from Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland has more advice for helping children deal with grief.

Remembering lost ones

Whether or not you’re able to attend a funeral for a loved one, it’s important that you take the time to focus on the happy memories you have of them and to say goodbye in your own way.

You could pull out old photos, or ask your children about their favourite memories of the person. You could even email friends and families to find out theirs. The most important thing to remember is that even if you are apart from people, you’re not alone. Your other friends and families may be grieving as well and could do with your support as much as you could benefit from theirs.

Looking after yourself

You may be focused on your kid’s reaction and how they will cope. But how you cope is just as important. Cut yourself some slack. Things are hard at the moment, let alone for those suffering from a loss. Allow yourself to grieve. Talking to a friend may help.

Should my child attend the funeral?

This is entirely up to you and your child, so listen to what they have to say about it – they may want to go to say goodbye or they may prefer to stay away. If you decide they should attend, talk them through what will happen on the day so they’re prepared. It may also be helpful to tell the person conducting the funeral that there are to be children present.

Other support

We have other advice on looking after your mental wellbeing. And there is lots of help out there if you are finding it hard to cope. NHS Inform has resources to help you keep on top of your mental health, so does the SAMH website and the Childhood Bereavement Network has information on supporting bereaved children and young people. 

Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland offers bereavement support throughout Scotland. You can also call Breathing Space, Scotland’s national helpline for those experiencing depression or anxiety on 0800 83 85 87. Alternately you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 at any time to talk to them about how you are feeling.